A Lesson Learned at the Kid's Table

Family reunions always happened at my grandma's house.  We had them at least twice a year.  Everyone was there - great-uncles and aunts, second cousins by the boat load, my parents, my siblings, both sets of grandparents, and usually a stranger or two thrown in for good measure.

Several things were commonplace at these gatherings.  There was always way too much delicious food, my grandmother fussed over and took care of everyone, the house was overcrowded, stories were told, and the kids sat at the kid's table in the "living room".  This last phrase is in quotes because I don't want you to get an image of a formal living room conjured up in your mind.  This was a simple small house on East 29th Street in Marion, Indiana, that my grandfather built with the help of a few friends.  This was the home my mother grew up in.  Grandpa added the "living room" several years later.  It really was most like a converted garage.  Yet, in spite of or perhaps because of its simple beauty, I loved this house.  I spent a lot of time at this wonderful home.  If I think about it long enough, I can even bring back the way the house smelled when grandma and grandpa were canning green beans or making jam.  I guess what I really loved was the home that house had become for generations of people.

I digress, back to the reunion.

The kid's table was never more than ten feet away from the adult room and the adult table.  They were separated by nothing more than a couple of steps up and a wrought iron railing (I told you it was simple).  Everything could be seen and heard by everyone in each room.  This was important for the adults who were watching their children and more than annoying to the kids who were trying desperately not to get caught by their parents.  

Unbeknownst to any of us gathered there, something amazing was taking place at each one of our gatherings.  The adults were teaching the children what it meant to be a part of this strangely wonderful Fones family.  The kids heard the stories, watched how the family - even with its own peculiarities - acted as a family, witnessed love in action, learned how to live and survive life's biggest challenges, understood the importance of tradition, and became more and more family with each gathering.

When we consider the faith development of our young people, we often first think about what kind of children and youth programs our congregation provides.  We want to see the number of young people involved in these programs so that we can prove that spiritual nurture is taking place within the walls of the church.  I strongly believe that these programs and opportunities are important.  Afterall, I have worked in the same church as its youth director for over half of my life.  However, these programs, events and opportunities are not the most important predictors of spiritual health and spiritual development in the lives of our young people.  Research is beginning to show that these programs indeed have their place, but their place should not be at the head of the table when it comes to our children's developing spiritual lives and spiritual roots that will last into adulthood.  

One longitudinal study conducted by the Fuller Youth Institute, "Sticky Faith", sums up its findings with this statement, "Rather than only attending their own Sunday School classes, worship services, small groups, and service activities, young people appear to benefit from intergenerational activities and venues that remove the walls (whether literal or metaphorical) separating the generations. Churches and families wanting to instill deep faith in youth should help them build a web of relationships with committed and caring adults, some of whom may serve as intentional mentors" (for more on this study, click here)

This is what happened at the Fones family reunions.  The children learned about the family and how to be family by being in the same room with the adults.  Sure, we went off to climb trees together and had our own meaningful discussion with one another, but the most important "stuff" that happened took place when the generations were all within earshot of one another.  

If our children are to develop a faith that sticks, they need to be in the room with us.  They need to hear the family stories, watch how the family - even with its own peculiarities - acts as a family, witness love in action, learn how to live and survive life's biggest challenges, understand the importance of tradition, and become more and more family with each gathering.  It is not just about intergenerational activities, it is about children and youth being integrated into the full family life of the community of faith.

So, two questions remain:

1. How might this look in your own family?  I am confident it is already happening.  Celebrate the moments when it is taking place and create new opportunities for it to happen.

2. How might we imagine what this looks like at Second Presbyterian Church together?  There are already many places at Second in which this integrative approach to spiritual nurture and development is happening.  Let's discover those places together and create more opportunities for shared faith and life.

A Milk Chocolate Discipline

 C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E!

I love chocolate.  This confectioner's delight is truly one of my major weaknesses.  What makes it even worse for me is that I enjoy chocolate in nearly all of its creative variations - fruit dipped in chocolate, chocolate infused with fruit, chocolate milk, milk chocolate, mint chocolate, hot chocolate, chocolate with chilies, dark chocolate, and on and on.  Much to my delight, I am told that chocolate even has some health benefits (Okay, maybe it is just a way to assuage guilt over an obsession. If so, it works!).

However, I also know that I cannot live on chocolate alone.  Even though it is tasty and may have limited health benefits, chocolate cannot become the staple of my diet.

Life is that way, too.  There are many things in which we may take delight, that are no replacement for the things which will ultimately lead to health and growth.  It seems as though part of the job description of parents is to help our children make healthy choices until they can develop these healthy patterns for themselves.  Let's face it, our children would much rather have ice cream instead of broccoli, gummy worms instead of green beans, and chocolate chip cookies instead of grilled chicken. If we are honest, we would make those same choices. We have just become more disciplined in our decisions about food.  In learning the disciplines of healthy eating habits, one learns to take delight in the broad flavor profiles and textures of food.

There are other areas of life where this same pattern holds true - studying for the test instead of spending time on the computer; getting much needed sleep instead of staying up to watch the horror movie; going to dinner with the family instead of playing another video game. It is through practicing the discipline of such things that one discovers the delight to be found in them.

The end of the summer and the beginning of another school year gives us the opportunity to make some adjustments in our commitments and priorities for our families.  We have the opportunity to refocus our attention on some of the disciplines that may have been less of a priority during the restful days of summer.

I occasionally hear the comment that youth do not like to sit in worship.  Guess what, that is most likely true.  Where else in our culture are young people encouraged to join with people of all generations in the same activity?  In addition, worship is a unique discipline. It is not supposed to be entertainment for those gathered.  Rather, it is the people of God gathered to give glory and honor to God.  In an entertainment culture, this is indeed an odd activity.  One must learn the discipline of setting aside self to join with the multitude in prayer, confession, praise, and adoration.  It is only through practicing this discipline together that we all discover the delight to be found within it.

Make the commitment to sit with your family in worship regularly.  Even if such a family commitment leads to whining and a rolling of the eyes.  Don't forget, we were all whining, eye-rolling teens at one time.  It is part of the job description of parents to help our children make healthy choices until they can develop these healthy patterns for themselves. Worshiping together is one of the disciplines that will indeed lead to long term spiritual health and growth.