New Narrative - Three Things

In the quest to provide a new narrative for our children, I believe there are three things we can constantly speak into their lives no matter where we find ourselves or what our family circumstance might be. These three things may appear rather simple on the surface. However, they can prove to be a lifeline to a young person who is struggling with their personhood and the negative narratives that play over and over in their ears and mind.

1. "I believe in you." This is not only a statement of confidence in the person who is standing in front of you, it is also a statement about who that person is becoming. Saying this is not saying anything about someone's behavior or the quality of their choices. "I believe in you" can be spoken regardless of the circumstance. This is a statement about personhood. "I believe in the who you are." It is also a call for the one to whom you are speaking to accept the challenge to live into the person you see them to be.

2. "I trust you." At times, this is a more difficult phrase to speak. This is especially true when trust has been broken or a violation has taken place. However, if we can once again speak more into personhood rather than actions, our trust means more than "I trust that you will make the right choice." In this instance, "I trust you" is about trusting someone with their own being. Again, this is not about the approval or disapproval of behavior. We all must face and handle negative behavior and poor choices as each circumstance merits. The "I trust you" statement is an in spite of statement. Young people need to hear that they are trusted with their own personhood. Ultimately, they are responsible for the person they are going to become. The "I trust you" statement is telling a young person that you believe that they can indeed be trusted with the becoming.

3. "I love you." We all need to be reminded that we are loved no matter what. In my experience working with students, I can tell you that there are times when nearly every young person wonders if they are indeed worthy of love. It is critical that we remind the young people in our lives that they are indeed loved. They need to know that the love of which we speak is not tied to performance or ability. The love of which we are speaking is a covenental love - a love that is committed to the person and our relationship with them. Young people need to know that a love like this is not going anywhere. Their bad choices, the consequences of those choices, their faults and foibles will not change the fact that they are loved.

These three things can be formative and transformative in the lives of the young people with whom we interact. Remind the young people in your life of these three things as often as you can. In so doing, these three things can become a part of the new narrative that plays over and over in the ears and minds of our children.

Three things will always be true...
I believe in you
I trust you.
I love you.

New Narrative - The Courage to Persevere

I love Christmas music. I love to sing along loudly in the car, in my home or even occasionally in the aisles of Target (yes, I really do it!). The music brings back so many fun memories of Christmases past - family, friends, gifts, reunions, lights, decorations, etc.

One of the memories that often comes flooding into my mind is of singing in our high school's annual Christmas Extravaganza concert. Christmas Ex, as it was lovingly called, was the big winter concert in which every singing group in our school participated. It was a ton of fun to learn the holiday music and put together such a wonderful holiday show for our small community. One of the best things about this show was participating in Choral Union. Choral Union was a combined choir of all of the choral students (literally hundreds) gathered to sing two or three holiday songs together at the close of the show. As someone who sang bass in high school, two Choral Union pieces stand out in my mind - "Carol of the Bells" and "Little Drummer Boy". The bass part is distinct in both pieces. In "Carol of the Bells" the basses get to do some fun stuff along the way. In "Little Drummer Boy" the bass line is monotonous and perpetual. Both were fun, and I remember the bass part even to this day.

As a part of the whole the basses are generally not recognized. Because of this, singing bass can often be thankless and somewhat tiring. However, if the basses were to be removed from either piece mentioned above, the song would not be the same. It would not be complete because its foundation would be missing.

Speaking a new narrative into the lives of the young people in your life is much like singing bass in the choir. It often goes unnoticed and can be rather monotonous and somewhat tiring. However, if this bass line were to be removed or was missing from the lives of young people altogether, everything else would be at risk of collapsing in upon itself. Speaking a new narrative takes the courage to persevere even when it seems as though the battle is futile or all but lost.

My brother had an incredibly difficult time in his late teens and early twenties. It would not be an overstatement to say that my family almost lost him more than once during those years. Years later, we were having a conversation with my parents and I remember him telling them, "If it weren't for the fact that I knew my family loved me, I would not be here today. I would have given up. I can't tell you how much it meant and still means to me that I am loved." My parents fought long and hard to continue to speak a new narrative into my brother's life in spite of the surrounding circumstances. They often did not approve of his behavior or decisions, but they always let him know that he was loved - no matter what.

The new narrative cannot take a break any more than the basses can decide to take a portion of a song off. This new narrative is the foundation upon which the beautiful song of a life can be built. It is worth the struggle to persevere.

Know that you are not alone. Find other parents who are also committed to speaking a new narrative into the lives of young people. Band with them. Support one another. Encourage the effort extended. Persevere.

Our young people need us to continue to lay down the foundation of love and acceptance upon which the song of their life can soar.

New Narrative - The Power of Words

Remember the old adage,
Sticks and stones
May break my bones
But words
Will never hurt me

It is a lie. It is a bold faced lie, and we all know it.

Words have the power to not only injure, but also to destroy. These words that have such destructive power are a part of the negative narrative that many young people hear each and every day.

The good news is that words also have the power to heal, and also to build. Simple words have such incredible power. Words such as these are a part of the new narrative which we can begin to speak into the lives of the young people with whom we live.

After we have taken the time and energy to create a safe space for our children to genuinely be themselves (see New Narrative - Voices and Images), new words - a new narrative - can be spoken into the space. Be aware, this new space is fragile. It is a space that must be honored and handled with care. It is a space that is open to the possibility of something new. Into this wonderful space, into the life of the young person, speak genuine words of hope and promise. How? You can begin by saying something like...
"Do you want to know what I love about you..."
"When I look at you I see..."
"You know what I think are some of your most amazing qualities..."

Be genuine.

Speak directly.

Speak honestly.

Tell them why you think the things you think about them. These words are a part of the new narrative. By speaking new words into their life, you are helping them to see that which is wonderful about them. You are changing the words they hear and clearing their eyes to be able to see something new - to hear and see a new narrative into which they can live.

Next week - New Narrative - The Courage to Persevere.

New Narrative - Voices and Images

She hears the voices ringing in her ears...
"You will never fit in."
"I can't believe you would wear that."
"You aren't very pretty."
"Why can't you do better than that?"
"You are fat."

When he stands in front of the mirror he sees...
a failure,
an awkward castoff,
someone who will never be good enough,
a chubby wannabe,
a coward.

Whether these voices and images are real or figments of a wild imagination doesn't matter. The reality is that young people everywhere, even those who seem to have it all together, daily deal with such negative narratives playing in seemingly endless loops in their minds. These negative voices and thoughts can become overwhelming and all-consuming. It doesn't take long before one begins to believe the voices they hear and the images the see staring back at them. It is easy to fall victim to believing their message.

A necessary step in providing a new narrative is acknowledging the fact that the negative narratives exist. Giving young people the space to talk openly about their anxieties centered around appearance, performance and social standing is important.
In creating a safe space for these ideas to be shared, the door is opened for a new narrative to be created. Care must be taken to neither minimize the way a young person is feeling or interrupt them along the way to self-disclosure. Stay in the space with them (as painful as that may be). Allow them to cry or shout or just be silent. The value of this time cannot be overemphasized and can be the beginning of the new narrative. Your presence and willingness to listen to their heart will speak volumes about their worth.

The new narrative begins with a safe space to genuinely be oneself. If we are intentional about it, we can help create such a space for the young people in our lives.

New Narrative - The Fight Against Bullying

It is no secret.  Bullying is a huge problem.  It seems as though there is a new story about a tragic end to bullying every other week. Something must be done to end this cycle. I am convinced that we all can play a part. We will never be able to make bullying stop completely - it grows from the bully's insecurities and struggles. However, we can empower young people to say no to the lies and fables the bullies perpetuate. I believe that this can begin with speaking a "new narrative" into the lives of the young people with whom we interact.

A narrative is a story, a tale, a recollection or a recounting - whether true or fictitious. Many young people hear or experience only negative narratives about their lives. They hear others say or behave in such a way that suggests that they are a waste of time, space and oxygen.

It is time to speak a new narrative of acceptance, love and challenge into the lives of young people everywhere and to live in such a way that our actions match our words.

Over the next few weeks, I will be writing about how we can begin to be proactive about speaking a new narrative into the lives of those aruond us.

Your thoughts and comments are welcome.

Discipleship - Fall Retreat - November 5-6

We had an amazing fall retreat the weekend of November 5-6.  The weather couldn't have been better and the students were outstanding.

We spent the weekend around the theme of discipleship.  Psalm 1 and a wide variety of other texts were our focus.

On Saturday night we defined discipleship. On Sunday morning, we discussed what discipleship looks like in the lives of those we consider to be people of faith. On Sunday afternoon, we discovered how we might plant the seeds of discipleship in our world and in the lives of those around us.

Throughout the retreat we constructed three "discipleship trees." We added leaves that represented the names and lives of those whom we consider to be disciples. We then added seeds to represent the seeds of discipleship that we hope to plant.

Ask your student who they see as examples of discipleship in their lives and why they consider these people to be disciples. Share your own examples of discipleship from your life.

Then share with one another what characteristics of discipleship you hope to develop in your own lives.

Look for information regarding our winter retreats coming soon.
Click here for a photo album of our retreat.

FALL RETREAT

There is still time to register for the Fall Retreat. Spaces are going fast. Check out the webpage for details. Packing list will be posted today. Also, please fill out the online medical form and the release form.

Retreats are a great way for your young person to get to know other students from around the north side of Indianapolis. Retreats are a great way for your young person to get away and relax. Retreats are a great way for your young person to grow in their faith. SIGN YOUR YOUNG PERSON UP NOW!

PRICE INCREASES MONDAY, OCTOBER 31 to $100.

"But Mom, it IS a big deal!"

It's a small pimple on her forehead on a Friday morning.

It's a tiny stain on the front of his shirt discovered on the way to the school social.

We are only two minutes late for the football game.

I lingered a moment when I dropped her off in front of the school.

What is the big deal? Why do these seemingly small and inconsequential moments become flashpoints in our relationships with our pre-teen/teen?

The answer is in the title..."But Mom, it IS a big deal to me!"

You can't argue this with your child. It is a big deal to them. It doesn't matter how irrational it may seem. It doesn't matter how small the issue actually is, it is a big deal to them.

One of the most difficult things for me to remember about living with a teenager is how small their frame of reference truly is. It was only yesterday that my child was just that, a child. They seemingly had not a worry in the world. Now, as a pre-teen/teen, everything is a BIG DEAL!

Pre-teens and teens are trying on their wings of independence and doing the hard work of figuring out who in the world they are.  They have all of these confusing and confounding chemicals at work in their body that make them emotional and sometimes irrational. As parents, it is hard for us to understand how our child has changed so much in such a short amount of time. We must remember that it is even more difficult for our young person to understand the changes that are going on in their life and body. The truth is these things are indeed a big deal to them.

So, what is a parent to do? Listen. It is really hard work, but we must listen. There is a lot of anxiety in our young person's life. Yes, it is nothing like the anxiety that you and I face on a day to day basis, but that does not make it any less stressful. Remember, their frame of reference is indeed very short. Saying something like, "It will all be better in a few short months;" or "By the time you are 20, you won't even remember this" is like telling them that things will never change. A few short months when you have only lived 14 years is a LONG time. By the time you are 20 is something that they can't even begin to fathom. They aren't even sure they are going to make it to 20.

The most important thing that we can do is listen to their concerns and worries and let them know that we aren't going anywhere. Young people often feel as though they are facing the storms all alone. Remind your young person, by word and deed, that you will walk with them through any of the storms they will face. They need to be reminded that there are people committed to being there even when their life is confusing or disappointing, and even when they make a mess of things. We must be careful not to minimize the storm that they are currently facing, and we must be careful not to allow it to become a destructive hurricane. And we must remember that the storm will pass, no matter how fierce. We will face it together.

Believe It, Or Not

Believe It, Or Not is going to be a recurring item on this blog.  We invite you to take a look at the brief  article and then interact with the question by replying to the blog post.  It will be great to hear from one another about the joys and challenges of parenting adolescents.

BELIEVE IT, OR NOT...
Your teen is interested in what you think and what you believe. The problem is often the way in which we as parents package it.  If we spend more time talking than listening, we probably are not going to have a willing conversation partner.

What have you found to be the most effective ways to communicate with your adolescent? (Hit reply below, we would love to hear your best practices)

FALL RETREAT!!

Fall retreat registrations have begun!

It is our hope that your young person will join us on this wonderful weekend get away. This is a great way for them to get plugged in and get to know a group of students from the church who are their age.

The retreat is for ALL middle and high school students. However, there WILL be specific programming and activities for each age group.

We will meet at the church on Saturday, November 5 at 12:30PM to head to Camp PYOCA for a wonderful weekend of fun, friendship and growth. We will return to the church on Sunday, November 6 at 6:00PM.

Cost is $80 for the entire weekend (cost goes up on October 31 to $100; if you are a Footsteps of Faith participant, the cost is only $40). Sign up NOW online (click here). Spaces are going quickly. Scholarships are available.

Use this QR code or use the link above. 

Hope to see them on the retreat.

Tired and Busy

"Hey. Great to see you! How are you?" This is how I greet many of the students with whom I am privileged to work each week.

The top responses to this seemingly innocuous question are, "Tired" and "Busy."

Very rarely do I get a "Great" or even a simple "Good."

I know that some of this is just teens responding as teens typically respond. I am sure they are often thinking, "What can I say to get me out of this conversation as quickly as possible?"

However, having said that, I do find it incredibly interesting that the first thing that pops into a young person's head as a possible response is "Tired" or "Busy."

I think these responses tell us something. I think they tell us something about the lives of our young people, and how they are coping with those lives.

I have been in youth ministry for almost 25 years. I can tell you that it is indeed true that today's students are busier than any other group of young people I have known. Of course, I am not telling you anything new. You live with them.

I can also safely say that because of their "busy-ness," they are also the least rested of any of those groups. I am not talking about sleep (although, there are studies that show that they are not getting nearly enough sleep). I am talking about rest. Time when there is nothing to do but enjoy their surroundings, their friends, their family, their music...life.

Here is a radical thought. What if as a family you came up with a plan when everyone in the family took a break from all of the busy-ness on a regular basis, if only for one night a month? No one is allowed to plan anything for the 3rd Thursday of the month, the 2nd Saturday, or the 1st Friday. How crazy?! Experiment with it. Change it up. Decide as a family what day would work. Stick with the plan. Then...take a break, and breathe!

Take a Break

When was the last time everyone in your family was unplugged? 

Think about it.

When was the last time there were no cell phones, no computers, no television, no iPhones, iPads, and iPods in use by the people in your house?

It doesn't happen often, that is for sure.  

What if once a week, you called for a technology fast? This would mean that everyone in the family would be unplugged for a designated amount of time to do something together that requires no electronic devices at all. This is a tremendous challenge for all of us. I understand. We have all become accustomed to having something electronic at our side or in our hand at all times. 

My family recently went to an orchard to pick apples. It was wonderful. We leisurely strolled through the orchard. We took our time and picked our favorite apples direcly from the trees. It was a great break in a busy weekend. And has become a once a year adventure for us. It was a great way to unplug!

There are opportunities all around you. You don't have to go far. Walk through the neighborhood. Take advantage of the cool weather and fire up the grill. Shoot some hoops. Play a card game.

Your children will most likely balk at the suggestion of a technology fast (so will the parents), but if you do something fun together, the complaining will most likely subside (or at least decrease in intensity). 

Ready, set, unplug! 

10 Tips from Teens to Adults

Here are ten things young people say they want in their relationships with the adults in their lives.  What do you think?
Teens said they want adults to...
Look at us.
Spend time talking with us.
Listen.
Be dependable.
Show appreciation for what we do.
Relax.
Show that you’re interested.
Laugh with us (and at yourself).
Ask us to help you.
Challenge us.

Middle School Bonfire and Hayride

RESCHEDULED! - Because of inclement weather the September 25, HAYRIDE & BONFIRE at StoneyCreek Farms has been rescheduled! We will now have the event Sunday, October 2nd from 6-8PM.
Encourage your student to invite a friend.

Please RSVP to Stephanie Kandrac at 317-253-6461.

A Place to Start

Sometimes conversations about faith and God can be difficult.  As a matter of fact, we are taught that you never talk about the weather, politics or religion in public.  However, it is vital that these conversations, as uncomfortable as they may be, take place in your home. 

So, where do you start?

Start with a question like...
What do you think God is like?
Why do you think it is important to do good things for other people?
Where do you think your amazing talents come from?
What do you think happens when someone dies?

Then...
listen.  Listen to their responses without interruption.  Allow them to share what they think.  After that, take the opportunity to share your thoughts.  Conversations like these give birth to more trust and more conversations.  Therefore, make sure you are ready.  And don't get discouraged if the first several are very short and to the point.  It takes a while to warm up to these deep conversations.

God bless as you continue these conversations with your children.

High School Ministries

This is a link to the high school ministries blog. Here you will find interesting links to what has been and what will be discussed in high school ministries.

High School Blog