Time Together

In this fragmented and frenetic world, one of the most difficult things for us to do is make time to spend together.  Yet, in this fragmented and frenetic world, there are few things that are as important.

My niece gave birth to her first child not long ago.  He is fantastic! He was approximately six weeks premature.  He spent the majority of the first two weeks of his life in an incubator.  In spite of the necessity of his time in this protective environment, the doctors and nurses worked very hard to get him to the point where he could spend moments out of the incubator each day for some good mommy and daddy time.  Mom and dad would sit in the rocking chair and hold their wonderful newborn child close to their chest so that he could know their rhythms, feel their heartbeat, and hear their soothing voices.  The doctors knew that there was nothing better for the health of this little one than to spend quality time close to his daddy and mommy. 

As children grow, it becomes more and more difficult to get quality time together.  They are busy.  We are busy.  They are growing in their need for autonomy.  However, research shows that even into their late teens there may be nothing better for the health of our children than time together.  

Recent findings show that even their dependence on social media and technology reflects their deep need for intimacy.  Andrew Zirschky recently blogged, "Recent ethnographic research reveals that young people’s voracious appetite for social media isn’t rooted in a love for all things digital, but in a nagging loneliness and a persistent human longing for deep belonging and connection.  After three years of research funded by the MacArthur Foundation, digital ethnographer Danah Boyd concluded that teenagers use social media to establish “full-time intimate communities” that provide for always-on communication and relationships. It appears that youth appropriate technology, not primarily for its entertainment value or cool factor, but because of its potential to foster “presence-in-absence”—the ability to be with friends despite physical separation" (read the entire blog post here).

Teens not only have a need for these intimate connections with their peers, but also with their parents.  

How can we reclaim those intimate moments with our teens who often act as though they are embarrassed to be seen in our presence?  It can be tricky.  However, it is more than worth the struggle.  

Here are some simple suggestions...

1 - Become a regular "texter".  Text short messages to your teen that you love them, believe in them, and think that they are outstanding.

2 - Look for small moments to be with one another.  If you are taking a quick trip to the store, have them ride along (unplugged).  If the dog needs to go for a walk, do it together.

3 - Remember the things that your teen enjoys the most. Find ways to encourage them in these pursuits: watch a game together, go to a musical.

4 - Find moments in the day when you can speak their name with tenderness.  Teens can often go through an entire day without hearing their name spoken without a demand, question, or interjection attached to it.

5 - Make pizza together, have a build your own taco night, surprise them with their favorite Subway sandwich.

This really isn't rocket science, but it does take commitment.  

You know your child the best.  Even though it may seem like they are getting further and further away from you, you still know them at their heart better than anyone else.  You have been with them through every moment of their life.  No one else can say that.  Have fun developing your relationship together.  It is changing, and that is a good thing.  However, your child still needs to know your rhythms, feel your heartbeat, and hear your comforting voice.

New Narrative - Mission Experiences

There is only one spot remaining for the Middle School trip

Several weeks ago, I wrote a blog entitled "New Narrative - Positive Risk Taking" (if interested, you can read it by clicking on the title). The point of the post is the felt and real need for risk taking in the lives of teens, and how we might provide positive avenues for that risk taking. One idea that was mentioned in the post was service or mission experiences.



Why should we consider encouraging our young people to participate in such mission experiences?

We provide such experiences for the youth of Second Presbyterian Church for several reasons. We believe these mission trips are unique and give our youth the opportunity to...

 (1) become "other" focused,
 (2) give of themselves and their faith to help those in need,
 (3) further expand their world and world-view,
 (4) interact with our brothers and sisters in diverse communities and their rich cultural heritage,
 (5) practice positive risk taking,
 (6) learn new skills,
 (7) see the effectiveness of a body of believers who work together toward a common goal,
 (8) stretch their faith,
 (9) strengthen their personal relationships with Christ, and
(10) gain a better understanding of what it means to be a world Christian.

Week 1 has room; Week 2 is full with a waiting list.

It is our long term goal that students gain an understanding how they can live out their faith through service within  their everyday surroundings.  They do not have to go some place exotic or expensive to serve.  There are countless opportunities right next door.


Short summer mission trips are transformative experiences for the youth of our congregation as well as their adult advisers.  It is a privilege to witness God's work firsthand.

There are still a few spaces for this year's mission trips (week 2 of the high school trip is currently full with a waiting list).  Click on one of the images above to be taken to the information and registration page.  All of the trips will fill up completely.  We want your young person to be a part of these experiences.  Please sign them up NOW.

Trips such as these are a part of living into a New Narrative of hope, peace, and justice.

New Narrative - The Teen Brain

Below is a link to a short video on the teen brain and brain development research.

Sometimes living with a teen can be one of the most challenging things in the world.  There are moments of intense joy and laughter as well as moments of incredible discomfort and raised voices - sometimes in the same 30 minutes!

A teenager's life, body, and experience are all about change.  Very few things are stable for them.  Even the chemicals in their bodies and the function of their brains are in flux.  This can lead to emotional outbursts and moments of seemingly irrational thoughts.

It is important for us, as parents of teens, to remember that there are times when their emotions do "get the best of them." Therefore, we have to work hard to keep our wits about us, or what we say and do may actually escalate the situation and deepen the problem.  It is hard work, but it is more than worth it.
Here are some suggestions...
- Don't forget to breathe - this slows us down and gives us the opportunity to work through our thoughts as well as our feelings
- Take care of yourself - get proper rest and try to eat well
- Find a confidant with whom you can share the joys and concerns of parenting a teen - this should be in addition to your spouse or significant other
- Take time to ask your teen about their life and their joys
- Do something fun together - go grab an unexpected ice cream treat, go for a walk, go to a movie
- Write your teen a note about what you appreciate about them

If we are more intentional about these things, they won't make all of the struggles go away, but they may aid in lessening the number of conflicts and their severity.

Teen Brain Video

New Narrative - The Art of Being

In our culture, we have mastered the art of doing.

Just look at our schedules. They are overflowing with things we need to do...
Pick up the laundry;
Go to the store;

Clean the mud room;

Meet with so and so;

Do such and such.

The list seems to go on and on. And we meet ourselves coming and going.

The lives of our children are much the same...

Study for the test;

Pick up my room;

Go to the gym;

Read for English;

Meet so and so;

Do such and such.

Schedules and agendas are a part of life. They are necessary. They keep us organized and focused.

The struggle is when our schedules begin to crowd out living our lives.
The problem is when doing gets in the way of being.

When we go on retreats with students from Second Presbyterian Church, we always build "free time" into the schedule. Every retreat several students approach one of the adult leaders and ask, "What are we supposed to do now?"
We are often greeted with a blank stare when we respond, "Go, have free time. Be with one another. Do whatever you want."
The young people have become so adept at doing that they have forgotten how to be. The same can be said for many of us (present company included).

So, here is a challenge. Sometime this month, plan a day or half of a day when you can just "be" together.
No plans.
No schedule.
No agenda.
Just be.

Practicing the Art of Being is a New Narrative in a world that is so concerned and consumed with "doing."

Have fun discovering what it means to "be" together.

New Narrative - Positive Risk Taking

Part of being a teenager is taking risks.

Risk taking gives an adrenaline rush.

Risk taking is a way of testing limits.

Risk taking can help teens discover who they are.

Often the risks are rather innocuous...

Trying a new food or learning a new instrument.

Signing up to participate in the local talent show.

Asking out that guy/girl to whom you always thought you would never have the courage to speak.

Other times, the risks are indeed "risky" behavior that can prove to be very dangerous and perhaps even life altering...
Taking your hands off of the wheel while driving at a high rate of speed.
Putting the pair of socks in your backpack without paying for them.
Saying yes "just this once" to that which you had always turned down.

Part of being a teenager is taking risks. Young people may believe that risk taking is a necessary part of growing up.  They may feel as though risk taking is the only way to really feel alive.

As parents and mentors, we can provide the opportunity for our children to take "positive risks" that can feed the desire, the felt need, to take risks. These truly can be alternatives to the negative and potentially life altering risks that young people often are tempted take.

Positive Risk Taking -
Take a mystery trip...
Allow your children to plan a family vacation (within given parameters - budget, distance, time, etc.)...
Go to a high ropes challenge course or fly on a zipline together (there are several of both in the state)...
Volunteer at the zoo or a local animal shelter...
Read stories or the newspaper to nursing home residents...

Serve lunch at Wheeler or Lighthouse Mission...

Become regulars at an after school program for at risk children...

Plan a family mission trip (you don't have to go far or spend a lot of money - call us; we have plenty of ideas)...

These may not completely eliminate the pull toward truly risky behavior. However, these positive risks can provide a healthy alternative and most definitely will create lasting family memories.

Have fun taking risks together.

New Narrative - Sharing Stories

One of the things I love the most about my family is the way in which we share stories. Jennifer, Rory, Sheri, my mother and I can sit around for hours telling the same old stories over again and again.

Story telling is how we honor the legacies of those who have gone before us.

Story telling is how we learn more about our heritage.
Story telling is how we discover who we are.

I often hear people say that they are afraid to talk to much about their past or their family's history because they are afraid it will color the present or the future too much. There is a fear that somehow sharing these stories will inflict or infect our children and give them all of the wrong ideas. However, nothing could be further from the truth.

We must have the courage to tell the stories...

These stories can help inform us about our past.

These stories can help us figure out our own identity.

These stories can serve as cautionary tales of paths to avoid along the way.

These stories can serve as encouragement about how to overcome adversity.

I believe that stories are one of the best ways to create a new narrative that is rich and full of hope. They are an invaluable piece of life, and we must have the courage to share our stories with one another.

So, tonight, this weekend, sometime in the near future, when your family is gathered together, take the opportunity to say...

"Have I ever told you about this one time when..."

Even if you have told the story before, tell it again. In so doing, you are helping to create a new narrative.

Happy storytelling!

New Narrative - Three Things

In the quest to provide a new narrative for our children, I believe there are three things we can constantly speak into their lives no matter where we find ourselves or what our family circumstance might be. These three things may appear rather simple on the surface. However, they can prove to be a lifeline to a young person who is struggling with their personhood and the negative narratives that play over and over in their ears and mind.

1. "I believe in you." This is not only a statement of confidence in the person who is standing in front of you, it is also a statement about who that person is becoming. Saying this is not saying anything about someone's behavior or the quality of their choices. "I believe in you" can be spoken regardless of the circumstance. This is a statement about personhood. "I believe in the who you are." It is also a call for the one to whom you are speaking to accept the challenge to live into the person you see them to be.

2. "I trust you." At times, this is a more difficult phrase to speak. This is especially true when trust has been broken or a violation has taken place. However, if we can once again speak more into personhood rather than actions, our trust means more than "I trust that you will make the right choice." In this instance, "I trust you" is about trusting someone with their own being. Again, this is not about the approval or disapproval of behavior. We all must face and handle negative behavior and poor choices as each circumstance merits. The "I trust you" statement is an in spite of statement. Young people need to hear that they are trusted with their own personhood. Ultimately, they are responsible for the person they are going to become. The "I trust you" statement is telling a young person that you believe that they can indeed be trusted with the becoming.

3. "I love you." We all need to be reminded that we are loved no matter what. In my experience working with students, I can tell you that there are times when nearly every young person wonders if they are indeed worthy of love. It is critical that we remind the young people in our lives that they are indeed loved. They need to know that the love of which we speak is not tied to performance or ability. The love of which we are speaking is a covenental love - a love that is committed to the person and our relationship with them. Young people need to know that a love like this is not going anywhere. Their bad choices, the consequences of those choices, their faults and foibles will not change the fact that they are loved.

These three things can be formative and transformative in the lives of the young people with whom we interact. Remind the young people in your life of these three things as often as you can. In so doing, these three things can become a part of the new narrative that plays over and over in the ears and minds of our children.

Three things will always be true...
I believe in you
I trust you.
I love you.

"But Mom, it IS a big deal!"

It's a small pimple on her forehead on a Friday morning.

It's a tiny stain on the front of his shirt discovered on the way to the school social.

We are only two minutes late for the football game.

I lingered a moment when I dropped her off in front of the school.

What is the big deal? Why do these seemingly small and inconsequential moments become flashpoints in our relationships with our pre-teen/teen?

The answer is in the title..."But Mom, it IS a big deal to me!"

You can't argue this with your child. It is a big deal to them. It doesn't matter how irrational it may seem. It doesn't matter how small the issue actually is, it is a big deal to them.

One of the most difficult things for me to remember about living with a teenager is how small their frame of reference truly is. It was only yesterday that my child was just that, a child. They seemingly had not a worry in the world. Now, as a pre-teen/teen, everything is a BIG DEAL!

Pre-teens and teens are trying on their wings of independence and doing the hard work of figuring out who in the world they are.  They have all of these confusing and confounding chemicals at work in their body that make them emotional and sometimes irrational. As parents, it is hard for us to understand how our child has changed so much in such a short amount of time. We must remember that it is even more difficult for our young person to understand the changes that are going on in their life and body. The truth is these things are indeed a big deal to them.

So, what is a parent to do? Listen. It is really hard work, but we must listen. There is a lot of anxiety in our young person's life. Yes, it is nothing like the anxiety that you and I face on a day to day basis, but that does not make it any less stressful. Remember, their frame of reference is indeed very short. Saying something like, "It will all be better in a few short months;" or "By the time you are 20, you won't even remember this" is like telling them that things will never change. A few short months when you have only lived 14 years is a LONG time. By the time you are 20 is something that they can't even begin to fathom. They aren't even sure they are going to make it to 20.

The most important thing that we can do is listen to their concerns and worries and let them know that we aren't going anywhere. Young people often feel as though they are facing the storms all alone. Remind your young person, by word and deed, that you will walk with them through any of the storms they will face. They need to be reminded that there are people committed to being there even when their life is confusing or disappointing, and even when they make a mess of things. We must be careful not to minimize the storm that they are currently facing, and we must be careful not to allow it to become a destructive hurricane. And we must remember that the storm will pass, no matter how fierce. We will face it together.

Believe It, Or Not

Believe It, Or Not is going to be a recurring item on this blog.  We invite you to take a look at the brief  article and then interact with the question by replying to the blog post.  It will be great to hear from one another about the joys and challenges of parenting adolescents.

BELIEVE IT, OR NOT...
Your teen is interested in what you think and what you believe. The problem is often the way in which we as parents package it.  If we spend more time talking than listening, we probably are not going to have a willing conversation partner.

What have you found to be the most effective ways to communicate with your adolescent? (Hit reply below, we would love to hear your best practices)

Tired and Busy

"Hey. Great to see you! How are you?" This is how I greet many of the students with whom I am privileged to work each week.

The top responses to this seemingly innocuous question are, "Tired" and "Busy."

Very rarely do I get a "Great" or even a simple "Good."

I know that some of this is just teens responding as teens typically respond. I am sure they are often thinking, "What can I say to get me out of this conversation as quickly as possible?"

However, having said that, I do find it incredibly interesting that the first thing that pops into a young person's head as a possible response is "Tired" or "Busy."

I think these responses tell us something. I think they tell us something about the lives of our young people, and how they are coping with those lives.

I have been in youth ministry for almost 25 years. I can tell you that it is indeed true that today's students are busier than any other group of young people I have known. Of course, I am not telling you anything new. You live with them.

I can also safely say that because of their "busy-ness," they are also the least rested of any of those groups. I am not talking about sleep (although, there are studies that show that they are not getting nearly enough sleep). I am talking about rest. Time when there is nothing to do but enjoy their surroundings, their friends, their family, their music...life.

Here is a radical thought. What if as a family you came up with a plan when everyone in the family took a break from all of the busy-ness on a regular basis, if only for one night a month? No one is allowed to plan anything for the 3rd Thursday of the month, the 2nd Saturday, or the 1st Friday. How crazy?! Experiment with it. Change it up. Decide as a family what day would work. Stick with the plan. Then...take a break, and breathe!

10 Tips from Teens to Adults

Here are ten things young people say they want in their relationships with the adults in their lives.  What do you think?
Teens said they want adults to...
Look at us.
Spend time talking with us.
Listen.
Be dependable.
Show appreciation for what we do.
Relax.
Show that you’re interested.
Laugh with us (and at yourself).
Ask us to help you.
Challenge us.